![]() I remember how it was in my own marriage when money was the number one thing my husband and I were fighting about. Even worse, couples can start to fear that they are too far apart in their basic values around life and money to even be compatible. When it feels impossible to come to agreements about money, when communication about money always turns into a fight, where there is a lack of financial trust, or vastly different values around money, couples move towards separate bank accounts… and sometimes, sadly, eventually separate lives.īy the time couples arrive in marriage counseling to discuss the ongoing conflict about money, it has often evolved into a bigger deal than can be solved by simply making a budget together, or getting scolded by a financial planner. This can lead to splitting up finances, which is often a symptom of conflict avoidance in a relationship. When couples are frequently fighting about money to the point where it feels like it’s impossible to communicate about finances, people will begin to hide spending, hide debt, or get overly controlling or even aggressive about money. Yes, “financial infidelity” is a real thing, and it causes real trauma to relationships. In some couples, holiday spending can even be hidden between partners, creating a rupture of trust when it’s disclosed in the sober grey light of January. The internal, sometimes even sub-conscious drive to have a “nice holiday” can drive us to spend way more money than we intended. This is never more true than around the holiday season, when budgets get blown faster than you can say “Fa-la-la.”Īs we speed toward the holidays, life can become a twinkly blur of get-togethers and activities. Of course, in couples who are even further apart on the spender / saver continuum than these examples, you can only imagine how intense fights about money in a marriage can get. I mean, if we’re going anyway shouldn’t we embrace it? We’ll pay it off! We can use the line of credit from the condo in Vail, it’s appreciating like crazy. Spender fights: “No, I’m excited about Rekyvic and Dublin and Amsterdam, but I really had my heart set on Prague too. Don’t you want to have the house paid off in three years?” We can totally live on a $300 a month grocery budget - you eat too much anyway. Saver fights: “I thought we agreed to put $1500 into the retirement account and bump the mortgage payment by $500 from now on. They, as a unit, may appear aligned around what they’re doing with money, and yet still find things to squabble about between themselves. This is even true between two people who are freer with their money than other couples, or within a couple who generally saves more than other couples. ![]() In every relationship, there is a person who has a “saver” orientation and a person who has a “spender” orientation. In general, financial values exist on a spectrum between “spending” and “saving.” Why Couples Fight About Money: Savers vs Spenders Even if a couple is in basic agreement about their values around money, there will still be differences. So it’s only natural that all couples usually have at least some differences around money because they’re different people. Other people can even tie their sense of self-worth to the money they have in the bank, or to outward displays of wealth. People can also have negative associations around money, including guilt or fear. Other people view money as freedom, and still others see it as a tool. Some people view spending money on things they enjoy as what gives life meaning, and others view accumulating money to pass on to the next generation as the purpose of life itself. And of course, money fights are common, because money is one of those things that means different things to different people.įor some, money is a stand-in for love and connection, and for others money means security. How to Talk to Your Spouse About Money Without FightingĪre you interested in financial therapy for couples? For many couples entering couples therapy or financial counseling, differences around money are a significant source of conflict in their relationship.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |